losing my-self

You ever lose something, give up hope looking for it and suddenly it appears? The same is true not only for things but for people. Who am I? Who’s writing this blog and why? This picture re-minds me of how “scared” I was, sitting there wondering how in the hell are we going to raise three 3 children in this “society” and keep my mind?

I lost my mind and I am here to tell you, the saying is 100% true! Over the past 5 to 7 years I’ve had some transformations take place that have changed my life one-eighty. I began to explore my roots, see them, feel them and nourish them. In effect, I was hugging my roots and the result has become this amazing energy in this existence we call life. I finally "feel" alive. I had gotten so far away from who I was. I didn't even re-cognize my-self.

Our daughter told me that, “people are like flowers, they just need more nutrients.” Children are our greatest gifts; they are full of wisdom and are here to teach us how to live. My journey on how to live began on New Years Day 2008 at age 33, I became a Dad. Nothing is more important to than being a Dad, now to 3 angels.

Over the years, especially as a father, I became increasingly aware of “daddy issues” that defined my-self in ways I could not understand. It all came to a head in September of 2016. I needed to go see my Father, who some would call a “sperm donor” or maybe a drunk, loser, wife beater, cheater, you name it. People close to the family wondered why would I want to go spend time with "that guy." It wasn’t about why, it was that I HAD to. I didn’t know why, I HAD to go "see" him. The night before the trip to upstate New York to stay with my half brother's family on their organic dairy farm, I felt something coming on and sought refuge in our bed. It felt as though my heart was being pulled straight out of my chest and I was in tears. The next morning, I left Phoenix scared sh*tless.

Upon arrival, there he was, wandering the airport trying to find me, I went outside when he went in, but hey we “connected.” Surreal to say the least riding “shotgun” with the sperm donor in the back and a half brother who you knew was one of your best friends all along. This was only the second time I had seen my father since I moved to Arizona from Watertown, NY at age 6 (age 42 at time of trip). It never felt uncomfortable "to be home" and I felt amazing love from people that maybe I "thought" were never “good enough.” The visit was 4 days or so and I didn’t see much of the old fella but I definitely felt him (his energy or aura). I felt his walls goes up, I also saw the face of disease (dis ease) for the first time, alcoholism. Most importantly, I felt his love, the love I questioned nearly my entire existence.

I returned to Phoenix with no “answers.” Greeted by my wife and in tears, "that connection” that I longed for my whole life, wasn't there. What I longed for, wasn't. Yes, daddy problems had me. Although I didn’t understand, I felt a major void had been filled and that some dots were connecting in my life. Unable to explain, the healing had begun.

People would tell me that it was good for me to get “closure” after that trip. That trip made my door wide open. I wanted to take my family back up to northern New York, I was texting, talking to my awesome brother and sister that I never “knew.” I was becoming complete. I was able to forgive my father and most importantly forgive my-self. Forgiveness is getting to that door, opening it, seeing it, feeling it and walking through. Forgiveness is walking to the other side. Once there, you can feel it (heal it!), understand it and appreciate it (gratitude!). That is where H.U.G. Your Roots comes from (aka HYR).

You don’t find peace, it finds you. Feel it, understand it, appreciate it.

Love, Joe

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